Preschoolers need – and even want – limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Teaching emotional regulation skills and responding to your child with calm and empathy will go a long way in curbing defiant behavior.
The most important thing to remember is that children this age aren't typically making a conscious choice to misbehave – their defiant behavior is a side effect of them learning what the world is like, and how their big emotions and interactions fit into that.
Tips and strategies for dealing with defiance in children A toddler's defiance may be frustrating, but it's more than likely developmentally appropriate, and is best handled as calmly as possible. Even older toddlers are driven by needs, wants, and impulses – and not logic like adults. They're eager to have control and be independent, which often results in defiance. Starting around 18 months, toddlers begin to understand that they're separate individuals from others and have their own thoughts and feelings. Until they've developed more impulse control and self-regulation (which starts to take more shape around 4 or 5 years old), their frustration may end up looking like defiance or out-of-control behavior, when it really isn't. And toddlers have big emotions, with not a lot of self-regulation or verbal skills to express those feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, or sadness yet. As toddlers gain independence, they learn about the world by asserting that independence and testing their boundaries. It takes time for little kids to learn how to manage their frustrations and communicate them well. So, as hard as it might be for you when your preschooler or kindergarten acts out, know that it's very normal. Defiance is how a toddler or young child asserts themselves. They're not as dependent on you as they used to be, and they may even be developing a bit of a rebellious streak. As your child gets older, they start to develop a stronger and more secure sense of their own identity.
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